What Really Grinds My Gears

p style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpzwLumnxqEqIY8MP3tKnNWfxSHp_NDF5ZBuyzbCQOqpepuA5HP0rBokRGVAr870FKrsP102OeoMG9VYbh56G52Sv1AV_bhP-WIazmgKml6nb1Z7p1sS0NuoRYeGFBpYaKtp0KfLC6YuMZ/s1600-h/grindsmygears.jpg"img id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5130350334016991250" style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center;" alt="" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhpzwLumnxqEqIY8MP3tKnNWfxSHp_NDF5ZBuyzbCQOqpepuA5HP0rBokRGVAr870FKrsP102OeoMG9VYbh56G52Sv1AV_bhP-WIazmgKml6nb1Z7p1sS0NuoRYeGFBpYaKtp0KfLC6YuMZ/s320/grindsmygears.jpg" border="0" //aspan style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" Hello there.span /spanThis is your weird uncle G$ from The Money Shot filling in for Zach today while he molds the minds and assholes of America’s youth.span /spanI realize that I have big, Jewish shoes to fill but I think that I can satisfy you deviants and Picturephiles.span /spanIf you are unfamiliar with me, and you shouldn’t be since I’ve been commenting here since the Crimean War, you know that my little sausage fingers dispense hate at epic proportions.span /spanIn fact, I’m going to use my guest post on one of Zach’s features that he really, really needs to bring back.span /spanCue the Peter Griffin photo, because it’s time for another edition of “What Really Grinds My Gears”./span /pp style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" You know what really grinds my gears?span /spanRenaissance fairs.span /spanWhy don’t you fucking people get with the program already?span /spanTrekkies and comic book guys and Harry Potter idiots — they all get bad raps for being friendless and dickless geeks.span /spanBut the fact is, no group of people are as pathetic as those that participate in renaissance fairs./spanbr //pp style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" My general hatred for these people began during my freshmen year of college when I was awaken from a peaceful drunken pass-out at 1 p.m. by some strange noises outside of my dorm room.span /spanYep, two assholes were trying to joust each other in the attached field.span /spanThere were onlookers dressed in all of their homoerotic fineries cheering these assholes on.span /spanAt the time, it was the gayest thing that I had ever seen and probably still has not been topped to this day.span /spanSince I was up, I decided to head over to the dining hall for a greasy mess to help ease my Milwaukee’s Best sweats (we’ve all been there).span /spanI had an encounter with the fat black lady dispensing the food that day that went something like this:/span /pp style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" G$:span /spanGive me some of that chicken salad please./span/pp style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" FBL (fat black lady):span /spanOh, we’re out of that.span /spanThose strange people ate it all./span /pp style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" G$:span /spanYou’ve got to be fucking kidding me.span /spanIt’s the only reason that I got out of bed, dammit!/span /pp style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" FBL:span /spanWhy you so angry???/span /pp style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" G$:span /spanWhatever, just give me 26 grilled cheeses and some chocolate milk./spanbr //pp style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" So not only did these queerbaits wake me up with their fagfest, but they also ate my fucking lunch.span /spanAnd not just a normal lunch, either, but the always delicious hangover lunch.span /spanBut that shit happened eight fucking years ago.span /spanI’ve gotten over it, finally.span /spanBut the other week, I’m watching the underrated “Dinner: Impossible” on Food Network and there they are again.span /spanRobert Irvine must cook a meal for a renaissance fair using only ingredients and methodology that was used in the 16supth/sup century./spanbr //pp style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" Sure, he completes the mission even with all of the pussies and skidmarks passing by and asking him questions in British accents so bad that it makes Don Cheadle’s in Ocean’s 11 seem passable.span /spanOf course, the job would not be considered a success unless “the king” of the fair approved.span /spanYeah, the king.span /spanYou mean the guy who spends his weekdays either selling used cars, working as a middle school guidance counselor or mopping up semen at the adult video store by the airport?span /spanThat guy?span /spanThat guy is the king of you all?span /spanFuck that shit./span /pp style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"span style="font-size:100%;"span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"And not to go all Jerry Seinfeld here, but what’s the deal with the robes, anyway?span /spanThe only people that wear robes are Hugh Hefner, Greg Oden and assholes.span /span/span/spanbr //pp style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"span style="font-size:100%;"span style="font-family:Times New Roman;"Was the renaissance period so great that it warrants people re-enacting it?span /spanAm I missing something here.span /spanWasn’t there a plague back then?span /spanWhy do complete wastes of life want to recreate this time period using their own fucked up assumptions for what life was like back then?span /spanWell, I will tell you what life was like back then...shitty.span /spanDo you know why nothing from back then is still being utilized today?span /spanBecause it sucked.span /span/span/spanbr //pp style="" class="EC_MsoNormal"span style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" Get a fucking life, you asshats.span /spanHow about actually contributing to the progression of TODAY’S society.span /spanAnd, of course, by “progression”, I mean “killing yourself and other fairies that you hang out with in some type of Jonestown Massacre”.span /spanOr you can swallow your lance.span /spanHowever you want to kill yourself, as long as it gets done, I’m cool with that./spanbr //pspan style=";font-family:Times New Roman;font-size:100%;" Just think about it for a minute...other than Cowboys fans, is there another group of people that contribute less to the world than those that participate in renaissance fairs?br /br /span/spanI’m G$ and that’s what really grinds my gears./spandiv class="blogger-post-footer"img width='1' height='1' src='https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/tracker/19679634-9140088612025613094?l=zachls.blogspot.com'//div

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